I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
