god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
