Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
