fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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