i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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