Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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