I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
