I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
