I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my shit smells like andre
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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