I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
