Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
