Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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