Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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