so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
