She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
