In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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