I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
