my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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