the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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