Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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