So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
