She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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