I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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