the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
