soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have already put on my inside pants.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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