Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
