Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
