I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
