Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
