my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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