is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
two words...techno handjob
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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