the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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