at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
