Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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