if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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