Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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