Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
