I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
