I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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