I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
