I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
