she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
