The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
