Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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