My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
