My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
