And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
