Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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