I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
