bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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